It's another sleepless night. I can't even believe I'm typing as my hands are half-numb with random shooting pain up my arms. This has been an interesting journey thus far. From being resigned to the fact that our family would be just a four-some as we moved into fall last year, to now, being just a couple weeks - or even days - away from adding another member to our family...it really seems like a total blur.
It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, at least on the days that I've been able to be aware that I'm pregnant. We're so busy that this pregnancy has just flown by.
It doesn't mean that I haven't had the opprotunity to explore my thoughts and emotions about it from time to time. Each ultrasound (we've had three) has been bittersweet. Each simple, beautiful memory that I reflect upon from Kaitlynn's birth is shadowed by the drama of the memories from Grady's birth. Nothing went "as planned" that night.
Maybe that's why this time it feels good not to have time to dwell on things or try to make a plan. Day by day is how I've moved through this pregnancy.
At my 33 week appointment, I went alone. This is the only appointment I've had to go to by myself this pregnancy. I've purposely scheduled my appointments so Kai and I can go together. He's always wanted to be so involved, something I really appreciate. The one time he missed during my pregnancy with Grady was the time I got the news about the EIF. The "nothing" EIF that actually turned out to be a foreshadow of our drama ahead.
This time at my "alone" appointment, I broke down. I told my doctor that for some reason my anxiety was getting the best of me, and it was. I hope and pray for a smooth and safe delivery, and for a "healthy" baby. A birth scenario not surrounded by drama.
"I know there's nothing I can say," she said to me.
"I can say that everything looks good. The ultrasound looks terrific. Your early testing checks out great."
I nodded as I cried.
"But, I know I said that with Grady."
I nodded as I cried a little harder.
"And I know that until you hold this baby in your arms, see him for the first time, you aren't going to feel just right about anything."
And it's true.
At 37 weeks I am not feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. I know that whatever comes our way, we can handle it - together. I still pray for my "drama-free" and joyous birth.
Last week, the ultrasound estimated this baby to be 7 pounds 6 oz at 36 weeks. My other two were a mere few ounces more than that at birth at 38 weeks (10 days early with each).
They think baby boy is going to be large.
This pregnancy is very different in so many ways from the others. In fact, I was measuring 40 centimeters at 35 weeks. Instead of being stretched too far with amniotic fluid, this time I'm being incredibly stretched by a big baby. My doctor does not want me to go to 40 weeks for fear of the size of this baby.
I haven't been able to breathe well for months now, but I start to see stars now without really doing anything. I've had carpal tunnel since Christmas, although in the last couple of weeks it's really kicked into high gear. I have fluid retention, it just doesn't want to leave. When I sit I often cut off the bloodflow to my legs and my feet turn purple and go numb.
I, by the time of this post you can tell, am really not sleeping. I've actually been awake more than asleep tonight, and it was the same story last night.
I'm already effacing and dilating, cramping with some very strong Braxton hicks contractions.
I wonder if my body is going to even make it another two weeks, and I pray that the grandmas are ready with bags packed to be able to head here at any time of day or night. They both are far enough away to be nervewracking.
But I am excited.
I am excited to meet this little boy, to find out who he is and who he will be. To have him join our family and watch his big brother and sister bond with him, and to watch his dad be amazed and proud of another little life that will complete our crew.
I am excited to be the best mom I can, again, and to feel my heart expand to even greater depths than I've ever known to be possible.
This thing called life never ceases to amaze me.
I am so blessed and lucky to await another miracle.
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