Unpeaceful Mind

An entire summer, and even fall of this. Really?

This is the strangest emotional rollercoaster yet. And I've had a lot of them.
At any given point I could burst out in laughter, tears, anger, anxiety...or all of it at the same time.

We are approaching Father's Day and I am crazy sad. All of these "firsts" without him suck so bad. Last night I had a picture of Dad up on the computer and my middle mainly non-verbal child made a sound I hadn't heard before.

"What buddy?"

"Pah . . .Pah."

Did you say "Grampa?"

He shakes his head yes. "Mmmmmm-Pah."

I gave him a huge squeeze and choked back tears and cried "Yes, buddy! That's your grandpa!!" We went to another picture.

"Mmmm...Pah. Ki...Ki." Yes, that's grandpa and your sister Kiki!

I can't believe he's gone. I hate it every single day.

And then this historic flood. A flood that not even Mother Nature herself could have created without human screw-up. Being on high-alert for weeks on end. Will we have a home? How will our community look one to five years from now? What will happen to our biggest and only investment? One minute I'm repressing any thought of it and living in denial that all is going to be fine by September. The next minute I want to put a "for sale" sign in my yard and move into a double-wide up north, or to a different community altogether to escape all the vacant faces, sandbags, water and stress. I miss the convenience of furniture.

The kids are well right now. I suppose by typing that I should knock on wood. Trying to figure out a birthday part for my girl who is about to turn 6. I am not ready for her to be 6. Who am I kidding, I've never been or probably never will be ready for her to continue to grow up.

Oh, and just for kicks and giggles, how about if I start a new very demanding job? That sounds like a great idea right now. I am so lucky. It is a really great job, with really great people . . . with horrendous timing. But when is the timing good? Just after your dad dies? In the middle of a month-long IEP battle for your kid? When one kid is sick for weeks and hospitalized, or maybe as you're about to undergo surgery for the other? In my world, there just is no such thing as good timing, I don't think.

And in the middle of it all I thank God for the unbelievable amount of blessings in my world. I ask him every day to help me remember that I am not in control and that His will be done through me and with me. It provides me with the calm I need . . . at least for a while until my mind gets sidetracked with all the distraction life brings.

"True peace of mind is not dependent on circumstances. It comes from the inside."

The Jokester

Everyone believes different thing about death, the spirit, life after, etc.
I believe that our loved ones are still with us, much as God is daily, and if you're carefully listening or watching you will get affirmation of that throughout your days on earth.

I believe life is carefully orchaestrated by a higher power, and I don't believe in "coincidences."
Do I have proof? Nope.
But I do have experiences that I know in my heart are my affirmation.
I think one must have a healthy dose both of reality and spirtuality to be able to live these experiences. You can't be a total crackpot, but you also can't believe there is an analytical or scientific explanation to everything either.

With that said, the following story sounds crazy. I readily admit that.

So, for Christmas my son got a "Leap Frog" musical barn with animal pieces. You match the front and back ends of an animal, place them inside this barn and it will make the sound of that animal and say what it is. There is a duck, a horse, a cow, and a pig.

I was having a bit of a down day, missing my dad, about two weeks ago. I had put ham in the crockpot for supper that night. As I was making the very first slice into the ham the toy made the oinking noise of a pig.

No one was playing with it and neither of the pig pieces were placed inside the toy. In fact, the back end of the pig is still MIA. I casually thought to myself, "Well, bacon is dad's favorite food...and he TOTALLY would think that was hilarious. But we probably just need batteries."

I mentioned it to my husband. It had never done that before for either of us. He agreed it was weird and we let it go.

A week and a half later my mom was here. The day she was leaving I was reminded of it, so as we were standing in the kitchen I told her the story.

"Hmm. I'd say it needs batteries," she said.

"Yeah. I'm sure people would think I'm crazy and not believe me. But I just thought it was weird that of all the animals it picked the pig as I was cutting into the ham," I replied.

And then, the pig noise again. It had not happened since the first time...and almost on cue, there it was again - - with no pieces inside the toy.

"Okay, well, I believe you," mom said...and we both laughed. We agreed that if there was any way Dad could be involved he' d be thinking he was stupendously funny.

And we let it go. After all, it probably does need batteries.

So tonight, just a couple days shy of another week has gone by.
I am reminded of the second weird occurence when I see it on the fridge, so I tell my husband about it.

"Hmm, that is weird," he said.

"Yeah. I mean, it probably is the batteries or whatever. But I still just think that it's weird that of all the animals, it keeps using the pig sound."

And again, as if on cue, the empty toy makes a noise all by itself. But this time it "Baaaaahs" at us.
It's the lamb.

Yeah, I might replace the batteries, but the toy itself works just fine otherwise. I just can't help thinking that my Dad just finished having a really good laugh about this.