Unpeaceful Mind

An entire summer, and even fall of this. Really?

This is the strangest emotional rollercoaster yet. And I've had a lot of them.
At any given point I could burst out in laughter, tears, anger, anxiety...or all of it at the same time.

We are approaching Father's Day and I am crazy sad. All of these "firsts" without him suck so bad. Last night I had a picture of Dad up on the computer and my middle mainly non-verbal child made a sound I hadn't heard before.

"What buddy?"

"Pah . . .Pah."

Did you say "Grampa?"

He shakes his head yes. "Mmmmmm-Pah."

I gave him a huge squeeze and choked back tears and cried "Yes, buddy! That's your grandpa!!" We went to another picture.

"Mmmm...Pah. Ki...Ki." Yes, that's grandpa and your sister Kiki!

I can't believe he's gone. I hate it every single day.

And then this historic flood. A flood that not even Mother Nature herself could have created without human screw-up. Being on high-alert for weeks on end. Will we have a home? How will our community look one to five years from now? What will happen to our biggest and only investment? One minute I'm repressing any thought of it and living in denial that all is going to be fine by September. The next minute I want to put a "for sale" sign in my yard and move into a double-wide up north, or to a different community altogether to escape all the vacant faces, sandbags, water and stress. I miss the convenience of furniture.

The kids are well right now. I suppose by typing that I should knock on wood. Trying to figure out a birthday part for my girl who is about to turn 6. I am not ready for her to be 6. Who am I kidding, I've never been or probably never will be ready for her to continue to grow up.

Oh, and just for kicks and giggles, how about if I start a new very demanding job? That sounds like a great idea right now. I am so lucky. It is a really great job, with really great people . . . with horrendous timing. But when is the timing good? Just after your dad dies? In the middle of a month-long IEP battle for your kid? When one kid is sick for weeks and hospitalized, or maybe as you're about to undergo surgery for the other? In my world, there just is no such thing as good timing, I don't think.

And in the middle of it all I thank God for the unbelievable amount of blessings in my world. I ask him every day to help me remember that I am not in control and that His will be done through me and with me. It provides me with the calm I need . . . at least for a while until my mind gets sidetracked with all the distraction life brings.

"True peace of mind is not dependent on circumstances. It comes from the inside."