Ooooooohhh Baby

It's another sleepless night. I can't even believe I'm typing as my hands are half-numb with random shooting pain up my arms. This has been an interesting journey thus far. From being resigned to the fact that our family would be just a four-some as we moved into fall last year, to now, being just a couple weeks - or even days - away from adding another member to our family...it really seems like a total blur.

It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, at least on the days that I've been able to be aware that I'm pregnant. We're so busy that this pregnancy has just flown by.

It doesn't mean that I haven't had the opprotunity to explore my thoughts and emotions about it from time to time. Each ultrasound (we've had three) has been bittersweet. Each simple, beautiful memory that I reflect upon from Kaitlynn's birth is shadowed by the drama of the memories from Grady's birth. Nothing went "as planned" that night.

Maybe that's why this time it feels good not to have time to dwell on things or try to make a plan. Day by day is how I've moved through this pregnancy.

At my 33 week appointment, I went alone. This is the only appointment I've had to go to by myself this pregnancy. I've purposely scheduled my appointments so Kai and I can go together. He's always wanted to be so involved, something I really appreciate. The one time he missed during my pregnancy with Grady was the time I got the news about the EIF. The "nothing" EIF that actually turned out to be a foreshadow of our drama ahead.

This time at my "alone" appointment, I broke down. I told my doctor that for some reason my anxiety was getting the best of me, and it was. I hope and pray for a smooth and safe delivery, and for a "healthy" baby. A birth scenario not surrounded by drama.

"I know there's nothing I can say," she said to me.

"I can say that everything looks good. The ultrasound looks terrific. Your early testing checks out great."

I nodded as I cried.

"But, I know I said that with Grady."

I nodded as I cried a little harder.

"And I know that until you hold this baby in your arms, see him for the first time, you aren't going to feel just right about anything."

And it's true.

At 37 weeks I am not feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. I know that whatever comes our way, we can handle it - together. I still pray for my "drama-free" and joyous birth.

Last week, the ultrasound estimated this baby to be 7 pounds 6 oz at 36 weeks. My other two were a mere few ounces more than that at birth at 38 weeks (10 days early with each).

They think baby boy is going to be large.

This pregnancy is very different in so many ways from the others. In fact, I was measuring 40 centimeters at 35 weeks. Instead of being stretched too far with amniotic fluid, this time I'm being incredibly stretched by a big baby. My doctor does not want me to go to 40 weeks for fear of the size of this baby.

I haven't been able to breathe well for months now, but I start to see stars now without really doing anything. I've had carpal tunnel since Christmas, although in the last couple of weeks it's really kicked into high gear. I have fluid retention, it just doesn't want to leave. When I sit I often cut off the bloodflow to my legs and my feet turn purple and go numb.

I, by the time of this post you can tell, am really not sleeping. I've actually been awake more than asleep tonight, and it was the same story last night.

I'm already effacing and dilating, cramping with some very strong Braxton hicks contractions.

I wonder if my body is going to even make it another two weeks, and I pray that the grandmas are ready with bags packed to be able to head here at any time of day or night. They both are far enough away to be nervewracking.

But I am excited.

I am excited to meet this little boy, to find out who he is and who he will be. To have him join our family and watch his big brother and sister bond with him, and to watch his dad be amazed and proud of another little life that will complete our crew.

I am excited to be the best mom I can, again, and to feel my heart expand to even greater depths than I've ever known to be possible.

This thing called life never ceases to amaze me.

I am so blessed and lucky to await another miracle.

Winds of Change

I had planned to sleep in this morning. I went to bed early, right after my kids last night because of pure exhaustion. At eight months pregnant, I am tired physically.

I woke up to the sound of the toilet lid slamming shut. I planned to investigate, but by the time I could get myself propped up enough in bed to stand up, the pitter-patter of size 12 girl feet had sounded back to her room. "Good, she's going back to sleep," I thought. "She needs it."

I decided to get up anyway. I walked into the hall and that's when I heard it. Unbelievably loud howling. It's the winds of change barking at my door...again.

Everything around me is evolving, which isn't entirely bad. With change comes so much good. Like the change of seasons. Soon the grass will be green, my flowers will be up, and the sun will be here more often than not. That is good change.

At the same time, my work is in flux. People are retiring, an important program has been stripped, and there is going to need to be restructure, development and a lot of change. I work in communications, so that usually means that I get the job of trying to make sense of what's going on, and then help communicate that so everyone else understands what's going on. I've been doing that nonstop for two weeks and I have to admit I'm a little burned out from it all.

I just found out that my last trip home with the kids last year was actually my last trip home...ever. My parents are having their sale at the end of April, to be out of my childhood home by mid-May. Thanks to an impending birth, I will not be able to assist in any of it, or say goodbye to "my house" as I originally had been planning. I am sad about this, even though it's "just a house."

My husband and I have decided that as this new little one joins our family, that we will be complete. We can't afford, nor do we have enough hands or mental stamina, to take care of any more children at this point! So, as of today, we are making that decision official at a doctor's office. I am glad to be at this point, but it is an interesting turning point in our lives. Suddenly, I feel old.

And the kids. My goodness. Changes every day. I'm so blessed to witness them, but I kind of miss the "Dora" days with Kaitlynn and even sometimes the days before Grady expressed his opinion so boldly! :)

There's so much more going on, but basically the point is, everywhere I turn, change is happening around me. And for once, I'm not the stimulus making the decisions on any of this change. It's generally easier being the change agent.

In the midst of my mind-chaos yesterday, I had a delivery to my desk. I had placed my very first lia sophia order a little while back. A friend at work had a party I couldn't attend, but I saw this beautiful necklace in the catalog. It was small and not expensive, so I decided to treat myself with some of my Scentsy money. It is something I've wanted for a very long time, but just couldn't ever find quite what I was looking for.

Then it arrived yesterday afternoon. My beautiful sparkling silver necklace with a little cross dangling from it. It reminds me a little bit (only shinier) of one my mom used to wear. I put it on immediately.

Because of the timing, I am certain it was a message. As we are in the middle of Easter season, I'm to remember the changes and sacrifices Jesus made for me, and really, HE has my back. I'm not lost in a sea of change - in fact everything is happening the way it should, even if it feels like chaos now. It's several new opportunities for life lessons and I better enjoy the ride because no one knows when that ride comes to an end for themselves.

And as I finish this blog, I am noticing that things have calmed considerably outside...coincidence?