Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

I have loved this quote ever since hearing it for the first time in "Newsies", a Disney musical movie I watched in Mrs. Mohs' music class.

I got a free expression from Uppercase Living (vinyl art) and the one I chose was "Carpe Diem." That was well over a year ago. I just found it again. I had envisioned a big project back then, but when I found it I thought differently. I decided it should go into what is now my favorite room of the house. The front sitting room. It is full of sunlight, no TV, no noise and I spent so much of my late pregnancy there working and trying to find calm. It is now my favorite room. Above the big windows I hung "Carpe Diem" in a soft silver. It's a perfect spot as every time I walk by those windows and smile into the sunlight, I look up and see that saying. My goal is to have it be a reminder each day to me and my family.

But I have to say, since I put it up it really has only made me laugh.

Case in point.
Last week I got Cooper signed up in the gym's daycare so that after I took big kids to daycare for the morning I could go work out. I printed the class schedules and highlighted the ones I want to try...Zumba, Bodyflow, Bodypump, etc. After 6 weeks of nothing but no sleep, poopy diapers, sick kids, traveling...not to mention the months before this maternity leave of long pregnancy, hard labor, tons of work both at work and at home...it's time for me to give myself an hour up to three times a week. I want so much to get healthy, take some weight off and hopefully feel better (especially my knees!). Everyone says, "You have to take time for you," and "You have to put your marriage first and take time together." I wonder what kind of world all these people live in. But then, that's another blog topic.

Anyway, so I was poised and ready to attend Step or Bodypump on Monday morning. Actually, I was looking forward to it. And believe it or not, I felt that way BEFORE Kai's grandpa called me "the bigger girl with dark hair" and his grandma poked my tummy and asked, "What's this?" over the weekend.

But alas, all my planning was in vain. Grady has strep throat along with a double ear infection. He has had fevers up to 103 before we get them to come back down. I wonder how far they'd go if we'd let them. But he is simply miserable.

46
That's the number of days between doctor visits for Grady, for the same thing - ear infections that cause complete misery. That doesn't take into account the 2 weeks it took to get him well after the first antibotics (and the week of fevers and sickness before we went in that time too).

As I was getting my baby from his chair to nurse after giving Grady some ibuprofen yesterday afternoon I glanced up at my saying. Carpe Diem. A strange mixture of emotions took over.

Frustration that no matter what or how hard I try, there is no way I can take time for myself. It just doesn't work, and with one more, I expect it will be years.

Sadness that my kids seem to have so many issues all the time. Sadness for them because it's just not fair.

This day, like the many before it since I hung that saying, I had no ability to Carpe Diem.
Can I seize the day with baby puke all over me, and even pee half the time?
Can I seize the day when no matter how many attempts I make I can't get a shower all day?
Can I seize the day when I look at my incredibly long to-do list and know that I may never accomplish half of it?
Can I seize the day when my maternity leave will be coming to a close and I'm wondering how I'm going to add work into this mix, not to mention work while brining my infant with me?

And then I laughed.
Carpe Diem.
That's what I do every day, and always have.

As I wallowed in self-pity for a short time, thankfully that new thought emerged.
I can't seize the day by doing what I want when I want, I can't seize the day by putting myself first, and I can't seize the day by scaling mountains, taking cool trips, or accomplishing huge feats.

But every day, no matter the circumstance, I put my best foot forward. I try to make it the best day I can and I try to keep a positive attitude.

I think that's the real meaning of Carpe Diem.
Seize the day - do the best you can that day with what you have, and be thankful for getting yet another day here with those you love.