Heartsick

I miss you more than words can possibly describe.

Crap hit the fan this month, and to not be able to get your perspective on it just about sent me over the edge. Or maybe I am over the edge.

I try to be strong, for you, for me, for everyone. I am trying so hard to "be the ball." But it all feels like an act most of the time.

Losing you permeates everything for all of us.

Last year at this time I was planning in my head the 40th anniversary party we'd have for you and mom in 5 years. I was with you as we said goodbye to our family home and watched so many things be sold at auction.

There were so many things ahead.

I miss thinking about the future with you in it. I miss your hugs and our phone calls.

I am heartsick to the very core.

Vacation...Seriously I Need You

Work is insane.
IEPs are stressful (if you don't know what that is, lucky you).
We have a crazy blizzard. Again.
My 10 month old, final baby, is showing early signs of toddlerhood...and mischief.
Potty training is draining.
Stress fracture, teething, raw bottoms, sinus issues, coughing.
Missing my Dad like mad.
Dieting and food education in progress.
Parent Teacher Organization
Keeping 5 people, a household, a budget, and work organized and running . . .
the list continues . . .
But bed and at least two interruptions to sleep await. The life of a mom.
I will miss all this one day.

Today I just want a vacation.

Large but in Charge

Obesity is, well, kind of an epidemic in my family.
Obviously it is in a majority of American families.
It's sad and it's one of the biggest contributors to the wide-range of health issues so prevalent today.

Now that I know I am done having kids, and I am finally done nursing...FOREVER...I've decided to make food a priority in my life. I am hoping that losing weight and keeping it off is one byproduct, along with a healthy nuclear family unit with a healthy relationship and understanding of food.

My dad was an "all or nothing" kind of guy. Excess was kind of the norm. I can remember when my mom would work nights and I'd be in charge of making lunch for everyone the next morning I'd often make tuna sandwiches. Dad used to tease me all the time that I never put enough mayo in it. Right now I'm mixing an entire can with just one tablespoon of light mayo -  and think of him each time I do!

Or I'd spend the night at a friend's house and be starving because for supper their food portions were much smaller than at our house - and a lot different. Fresh green beans from the garden and a salad took up the largest part of the plate,with meat and a starch coming in at a distant second.

I've learned that my friends had a much better understanding of the food pyramid than I did. That what I used to think was "eating like birds" is actually how we humans are meant to eat.

I've started a program that one of my friends was really successful with. It has me measuring all of the foods I eat, eating mostly everything fresh and cutting out all the "extras." I don't expect to be able to eat like this every day of the rest of my life, but I hope in the end I have a realistic idea of portions, I learn to eat less more often throughout the day, and I put more time and energy into whole and fresh foods for myself and my family.
I've been doing it for a week now and here's what I've learned:
1 - Being healthy is not just about tracking calories or fat. It's about the right food, in the right combinations and in the right amounts.
2 - I miss my indiscriminate amount of liquid creamer in my coffee.
3- Measuring is a huge pain in the butt. I hope to be able to be able to guesstimate the right amounts sooner rather than later, but for right now I am wayyyyy off.
4 - It's good to do this with my husband so we both gain skills and can commiserate about our unhealthy cravings.
5- I am sick of all the bathroom breaks you take when you drink the right amount of water per day.
6 - Eating healthier is harder on the family budget.

6- Between the better weather and eating better foods, I have way more energy and feel better!

And with the weather improving and baby getting bigger, more walks and outside play makes it even better.
With the right amount of education, time and attention, I hope obesity is something my family and I don't have to continually battle.
We shall see...

The Little Things

I just read a post from a facebook friend who lost her mom a couple months after I lost my dad. In short it stated that she disagrees with the "it gets easier with time" philosophy. It made me think of an e-mail I recently got from my childhood best friend, who was like another daughter to my dad, that said her husband still chokes at thoughts of his mom after losing her more than 10 years ago.


I would say that I whole-heartedly agree. "Easier" is so the wrong word.

In the past nearly four years that my son with Down syndrome has been in our world, we've learned to celebrate the hell out of everything, big or small. It's usually the littlest things that bring us the most joy. It is a wonderful gift to have that kind of perspective.

But on the other side of the coin, I'm learning that what hurts the most in a huge loss like my Dad are also all the little things.

It's things like looking to April on the calendar to see "Dad-57" on April 23rd and knowing he's not here to see that birthday. Or taking my 5 year old shopping for Valentine's cards and after she selects one for Grandma & Grandpa for my in-laws, having to steer her to the "Grandma only" cards for my side. It's in the fact that although this weekend is the 7-month anniversary of his death, I can't stop saying "my parents," "they," "he says" and everything in the current tense.

Or when anyone in my family is having an especially hard day and I can't do anything about it. Or when I run into my Dad's hair-twin at my son's preschool and all I can oddly think is "I just want to touch that hair."

It's in my baby's eyes and smile...I sometimes see him there. It is so wonderful and so sad at the same time, that sometimes all I can do is snuggle my baby in close and let out a tear.
There are about 100 little things a day that make me think of my dad. And one may think that that should bring some sort of peace.

I try to tell myself to be comforted by all the amazing memories that I have. After all, I am lucky for the time and the experiences I did have.

And while I'm doing that, I honestly can hear my Dad saying, "It's okay, Jame. You're going to be fine." But sometimes, more often than I'd like to admit, my own voice answers back in my head with, "But it's not f-ing fine, Dad!!!!!"

Oh, how he hates it when I swear. See, there it is again with the present tense.

The reality of his loss and the lonesomeness for him grows each day.

All the little things.

When people say it gets easier with time, is that because all those little things start to fade from your memory?

As painful as they may often be, there's so many little things I hope I never lose.

I'd Pick Missing Over the Miles...

Oh, this post from 12/20/08 hurts. What I wouldn't give to miss my dad because of the miles, rather than the permanence of death.

Next topic: My parents' retirement. Don't get me wrong - I am SO excited for them. They truly deserve it! As a kid, I can't tell you how many times we had plans to do something and then it would be cancelled. Uncountable really...and that's how they've had to live much of the last 30 years. Obviously their profession does not come with the predictability of many, and being on call 24-7 is very, very demanding. It's been a challenging and rewarding career and service to people, and they've done an awesome job. They truly deserve to find something else to do, and have a lot of fun while doing it. 

--Insert selfish statement here--

I however, am trying to come to grips with not having them just three hours away. I miss them when they're just that far. Now they're heading off to Phoenix in January, to return sometime in April. Yikes! What a strange next step for all of us!

Again, a perfect world would mean that all my brothers and my parents would be here in my town...but again, that's just my selfish side talking. Anyway, I'm looking forward to hearing the stress of their work slip out of their voices and to hearing about all their silly adventures to come.

I'm just going to really, really, really miss them.

Remembering a "Blizzard Past"

I finally am tearing down an old site. As I look back at more than two years of life on that site, a rush of emotions and thoughts hits me. This is one of my favorite posts from back then...and it continues to be applicable to this day...and probably forever.

1/11/09


Winter & Down Syndrome


A couple of days ago, I had what I felt was quite a revelation. If I were to discuss this revelation with my husband, it is one of those things that he would look at me funny and say, "Uh...O..kayyyyy."

Here it is. Winter and Down Syndrome are so much alike. Well, THIS winter anyway. Here's why:

I'm driving to get the kids to daycare. If I can just make it through all this snow...I know they must have plowed Wachter by now. I just need to make it to Wachter and we'll be good. I back out of the driveway and the tires spin a little. Dang it! I give it a little more gas and we go back. I take a breath and put it into forward. I am stressing about getting stuck with the kids in the van with me...and I think, maybe this really is too deep. Maybe I should wait for plows. And I look up - what do I see- YES! Salvation - a PLOW!! I wave, perhaps TOO vigorously at Mr. Snowplow Operator. I'm waving like I see my best friend whom I haven't seen in years. But I just can't help it - I am SO overjoyed to see this snowplow.

This scene is played over and over and over this winter. And yet, the snow just keeps coming. And I sometimes curse the snow...and wish it would give us a nice long break. But more often, I find myself just staring at it...out of every window I can find...basking in it's beauty. It's thick, it's deep...most of it in the yard is sloped so nicely and untouched except for a bunny track here or there. It shimmers like glitter in the sun. It reminds me of fun times with my brothers when I was little and it reminds me to be thankful for the warm home and good vehicles we have to keep us going in this beautiful, but sometimes monotonous and tricky winter weather.

And so it is with Down syndrome. You're not REALLY sure what to expect. We have a forecast, sort-of, but Down syndrome affects each individual very differently...so we just go as we can, day by day. Sometimes I get frustrated and impatient. And then...SALVATION. Angels like Roxane and our amazing Early Intervention crew of Michelle, Carrie and Sharon. They help us decipher the forecast a bit...help us decide which direction to go next. They help us navigate the thick stuff...and celebrate when the snow lets up a bit...and especially when we reach a huge beautfiul sunshiny day of pure MILESTONE making! They really are the snowplows of Down syndrome. And so are the many, many families who have come before us working on awareness, equality and so many important issues. Many times I stand in awe before them, just staring at their knowledge, their courage and most of all their grace and pure joy they and their families exude.

We are surrounded with warmth and love of supportive family and friends...much like our warm home and vehicles. We're incredibly lucky for this, and thanks to Down syndrome I am even more aware of our fortune.

Day after day, week after week...we get little squalls, big blizzards...bumps in the road to "typical" development. But I know...if we can just do a little at a time...if we can just get to Wachter, so to speak...we'll be good. Sometimes you just need more patience, sometimes more gas...and sometimes a little of both.

And what once may have been unimaginable to me, is so common place. What I see most, is the beauty. Unless you have experienced this first hand...it may sound strange. But there is so much beauty in every single "little" thing in life, and there is absolutely nothing more wonderful than to celebrate those little things through the love of family and friends.

Our little man is so close to reaching a milestone - he wants to stand and walk independently. You can see it in every fiber of his being. And he will do it, probably somewhat soon. And as we stand at the verge of this huge, amazing thing...I say, let it snow. One really must respect it, and see the beauty for him or herself, in all forms.

One of those days

You ever had "one of those days?"
It seems that in 2010 I've had more of "those days" than not, which makes me think that perhaps the expression is no longer valid for me.

Not that I'm complaining, because it is life. I am learning and experiencing every day, whether I want to or not. One of my dearest friends that I don't get to see often enough (like them all) recently mentioned the "interesting" life I have.

Having a series of "those days" apparently leads to "interesting."

My day today was in the "those days" category; although it's not really out of the ordinary for life as I've come to know it.

My 7 month old baby has begun to cut a tooth. His misery has further cut into the very little sleep I had been getting, so when the alarm rang at 6 a.m. to get out of bed I was not a happy camper (even though I had just by lying there since 5:30 when I last nursed baby).

It was a fast and furious morning, as it always is, to get everyone dressed, medicated, fed, teeth and hair done, winter gear on, bags packed, etc. etc. etc.

I dropped of my eldest at Kindergarten. I had forgotten my purse, so the middle child and I went back for it. I then meandered a strange way to his preschool as my mind took me inadvertently to his daycare first (even though four days of five I take him to the preschool location).

At preschool dropoff, I ran into my Dad's hair-twin - he reminds me so much of my Dad - and I hadn't seen this guy in weeks. "White Christmas" was playing on the radio and I proceeded to cry all the way to work.

I get to work 2 minutes late. I scurry as quickly as I can on projects and leave work one-and-a-half hours later to get my eldest to her appointments. We get into her audiology appointment 15 minutes late due to their patient load. We got into her ENT appointment two hours late. And although she was missing school, missing lunch, bored out of her mind in this non-kid-friendly waiting room, I am quite proud of her behavior. If we didn't love this doctor so much, and if she wasn't so highly recommend and even touted as the best in the region, and if there was any chance in hell I would've been able to get another appointment with her before June, I would've left.

She's been off antibiotics for a couple weeks and she has yet another ear infection festering and something brewing in her sinuses too. After lengthy discussion over my eldest's year (and previous history) it is decided the best route is ear tube surgery, a possible adenoid removal, and a possible nasal lavage.We have been through all this with our middle child a couple of times, but with his adenoid removal, he was overdosed on a pain med and coded. There is nothing like holding your lifeless purple/blue child while chaos moves about you. Although I know it's the right step, and our daughter's Kindergarten teacher is so glad we're finally doing something, I get a knot in my tummy each time I think about it.

She and I both missed lunch, and she so very much wanted Subway, so we quickly did that together.

I drop her off at school, get back to work and fly through as much as I can for one hour. It is then time to pick up my daughter as school is out. She is wearing holy, worn out jeans that are about 4 sizes too big. She had her first "accident" at school because she chose not to listen to me when I said "first thing you do when you get to your room is go to the bathroom." Great, that means extra laundry tonight because these pants aren't ours, and her snowpants got it too because she was out at recess. Oh, and everyone's laundry was done, except for mine which I needed to do so I have pants for work tomorrow. Laundry, the joys.

We come home and I pump as I am still nursing baby and I've neglected this chore since 6 a.m. We then head out to daycare to get my middle child for his speech appointment. He was about to go play in the snow with his class, so I practically dragged him out - much to his disgust. However, this worked out well as I was able to get speech in for him and pick up my daughter's newest prescription at one stop. I love efficiency.

Then it's home to a pot roast that's been slow cooking all day. It was frozen at 7:30 a.m. and I can't remember what I put in it. To this day, I don't think I've ever done a roast the same way twice - pretty much try anything I can find. So far, so good. Perhaps you just can't screw up a roast.

Pot roast, spaghetti and thin cut green beans. A nontraditional combination, but it's all stuff I know I can get everybody to eat. By this point, my middle child looks and sounds like he's not feeling well (and how could he be with everyone sick everywhere we go?), so an executive decision to keep him home from Kindermusik is made. With that, it's dishes and kitchen clean up, three baths, discussion on baby's mystery rash, snacks, a breathing treatment, nursing...and all three are so tired that we didn't even squeeze in a bedtime story. Good thing my daughter and I had down time during the speech appointment to fit in two books, not to mention the only two they had as we waited forever at her appointments today.

I entered a few more orders to the party I am closing tomorrow. I did quick free "Santa" video links for both of my big kids, which I almost wish I could go wake them up to see! And I have now been telling myself to go get my work computer and file out of the van and get moving. I have to turn a huge project in tomorrow so there is no way around it...yet I sit and type this. It's not an incredibly interesting post. Just simply a snapshot of "one of these days" in an incredibly busy, interesting, quite average...and yet blessed existence.

Most every day is like this. Jam packed full of stuff, and yet I can never get everything done that needs doing.
And usually there's always a few extra hoops added in just for good measure.
But I think that's the course I'm meant to be on.
And I get my some pretty cool highlights that are my favorite parts of each day...hugs, kisses, laughter and amazement.
I can always find those gifts in even the worst of  "one of those days."